App-artunity knocks?

Tonight I'm going out with some pals for a few pints and a curry.

I can't wait to show them all the wonderful new apps on my iPhone.

It all starts in a Scottish pub so I'm a tad miffed that I haven't got the iPiper that would enable me to play popular Scottish melodies in a bapipe stylee to get us alll in the mood.

But I do have iPianp, iBone, iOcarina, iGuitar and iHarp.Not to mention Eno's ambient app Bloom and iDaft which transforms me into Daft Punk.

Then I've got apps with useful quotations from a variety of languages, living and dead.

Groovy geography quizes. Point at the globe and locate Papua New Guinea!

Instant access to several important international newspapers. Nothing like the latest headlines from Tashkent to get the conversation started!

I really didn't realise how much my new gadget can do.

Blown into it and it plays flutey new age melodies.

Point it at a sound system and it will tell you which tune is playing and then give you the lyrics. Kieron and I were able to sing along, karaoke style to the theme from Shaft at Debaser on Tuesday.

Point it at a bird and it will identify the species.

Turn on iBeer and submerge your phone in a pint and it will identify the brewery.

Activate Tandoor-i and dunk it in the curry and you'll be informed how strong it really is.

Do iBears shit in the iWoods? The iSpoor app will rapidly identify that mysterious lump of poo that you find in the forest!

I'm particlarly taken with Roman-i, a GSM map app that shows where you are on the road system of the ancient Roman Empire. Very handy if your chariot is caught in a tailback on the Via Appia. Geddit?

As that wag Ian commented: It'll all end in APPocalypse!